It was hard with the ex but having a mother constantly at you is a trifle harder…i am getting there i dont read emails anymore,i just delete them.. Hi Melanie, I dated a narc, on and off for a whole year. The saddest part about these men is they could be good men, if they were not wired that way. Unfortunately the False Self took over that, and Soul Energy was disconnected from — and it just is what it is. No goodness exists. Sorry, but it was good for me to stop trying. Absolutely brilliant article Melanie — Fantastic to read a descripiton of my experience and to get further confirmation of what was really going on at that awful time.
Reading this arctile has helped me so much to understand the way the mind of a Narc works. The twist and turns in the arguments that we had that i could never make sense off. ThE feeling that I could never to anything right and the absoulte desperation and confusion that resulted from these times that pretty much left my head spinning for days. I was told i was selfish and that he didnt know how much longer he could put up with my childish beaviour! When i started questioning his beahviour and trying to implement boundaries that is when his mask completely came off.
I was told that I used to put him on a pedastal and adore him and constantly tell him how great he was, and that now i dont do that to the same level i did.. He was a far cry from the man i married infact i didnt even reconigse him. Over night my whole life and every thing i believed to be true came crashing down and the truth was i had married a man who was an empty shell with no real feelings of empathy.
In the end he told me that he knew that he had NPD and that he had been acting this whole time,that he no longer cared if i saw the real him as he was done with me! After extensive therapy with a therapist who deals with NPD she is convinced i was dealing with a sociopath narrcissit. However 12 months later and with absoultely no contact i am pleased to say i have finally reached the point of in difference!
Melaine you are an angel and every article you have ever written i have read, you have such a beautiful nature and you have helped me heal so much. I thank you rom the bottom of my heart. The more you try to implement boundaries, the more the narc ups the pathological behaviour and then when there is nowhere else to go — absolutely performs the discard of you — totally. Is it possible for a narcissist to get ill or develop potential nerve issues with perceived criticism? The real question is — if you are pandering to this is: What is it within you that is still hooked in and allowing yourself to be continually abused?
This is where your focus needs to be in order to escape this and have any chance of getting better. My question is this. I had a relationship with a narcissist who atually thought it was a compliment to be called one. It of course didnt work out and I was devastated for all of the reasons you have talked about. I was quickly replaced with another person and they have been together for over one year. Her partner seems to really love her and wants to be in that relationship. Can a narcissist be in a relationship where they are both happy and it seems to work really well for them?
My second question is: Why are you still in knowledge of this, concerned about this, and why does it hurt you still enough to post your question? The broken unhealed parts of the narc are either challenged by the partner sufficently for the relationship to explode, and if not the narcissist will discard the partner anyway — as a projection of his or her self-rejection — meaning the partner will be ultimately rejected.
Either literally or by the narc seeking supply from outside sources whilst remaining in the relationship. The only way a narcissist would stop being a narcissist is to directly own, confront and work on and heal his or her unhealed parts — the reasons for why he or she acts like a narcissist. My 25 year mariage ended in a flash when I discovered his cheating. Our daughter was on break from college and, unfortunately, was witness to the craziness at that time. It is now 10 years later, and I was severly depressed for many years. I have been receiving your emails for only a short while and have learned so much about what I had gone through.
Only very recently have I discovered Sam Vaknin on Youtube, and between you and him I have gained valuable information. Melanie, I am so grateful to you.
Why I told you about my daughter, is that between my co-dependency and the ex-N, the last ten years have really affected her. It was only yesterday that she told me she wants nothing to do with me, I have not seen her since she screamed at me calling me manipulative and selfish over 7 months ago. Yesterday, she responded to my text telling me that I had taken advantage of her, selfish, and that I needed help.
I saw your email and I filled with emotion as I needed to read what you wrote right at this time. Thank you so much. With what I am learning from you, I am beginning to understand how both narcissist and co-dependents are generational. I am growing in myself, but wish I had understood all of this when my children were young.
Thank you for the knowledge. Truly, time and time again — I have seen when especially when Mothers shift the pain of the abuse, and the pain connected to their children — literally miracles occur.. Shifting my own inner state worked miracles with my relationship with my son which truly looked like years ago it was completely shot to pieces and I have seen this work for so many others. If you deeply heal this pain, and shift your inner frequency, you may see these results also…at the very least you will deeply heal yourself regarding this pain. He is a psychologist who deals with estranged parents and their adult children.
My ex narc alienated our children from me, and reading Dr. I understand how painful it must be for you.
Hang in there, and take good care of yourself! I text her the other night letting her know that I thought what she was doing was terrible. In hindsight, I should not have done this as she responded that I needed help. When I asked her why, her responce was that I was not there for the last ten years and I had taken advantage of her. I understand the trauma that caused by the end of our family, but I do not understand how I am to blame for it, or how I took advantage.
I see the same dynamics playing out with her and her boyfriend and it scares me to think that maybe she is distancing from me because she is so unhappy. The process has also allowed me to gain some insight into my vocation and the children that have trauma based attachments.
Strange to watch the behaviour of 12 year olds mirror what I once thought was a person I love. Thank you for this article. I have been out a year now since he cheated on me and left me for another woman. I have struggled a great deal emotionally. Towards the end he was accusing me of looking at other men. He was having me report to him whenever I heard from my kids father. He was denying we did certain intimate acts, stating I was remembering someone else in bed when I wasnt. Then around the time he was cheating he was putting me down. He was saying I thought he was stupid, which I wasnt thinking.
Then he was telling me he thought other hair colors aside from mine were attractive and that he wasnt attracted to my dark hair color anymore.
The one he left me for was dark blond. So I see the projection you talk about here. He was accusing me of doing the things he was doing.
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He left me abruptly with no warning. I was pulling the mask off. I was not complying and was challanging his behaviors, jealousies, and mistreatment. He had 3 wives before being engaged to me, and left them all and bragged about it. I guess I am lucky I never made it to the alter. Although being inlove with this Police Chief who is a pathological narcissist has been the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.
He erased me and replaced me like I never even existed. Hi Mel, Your articles are always so helpful and informative. For me the narc is my mother and your article arrived in perfect timing as usual. I broke no contact a few days ago via email in a moment of weakness, reacting to some comments to mutual friends that were intended to hurt me…and I feel for it; hook, line and sinker.